Angry Children
Dealing With Angry Children
In dealing with angry children, parents often make one of two mistakes. Either they see the angry behavior as something that has been hard wired into the child and something everyone is going to have to live with, or they see the anger as an unnatural behavior that somehow must be dealt with and stopped at any cost.
The first mistake, thinking the child was born angry, does contain a grain of truth. Children are influenced by the way people around them behave, especially the way their parents behave. If the parents are constantly showing anger, the first reaction is often to try to leave the scene, to escape the anger. The second reaction for the child may be one of coming to the conclusion that anger is an acceptable and normal way of living. Either way, whether the child withdraws or becomes part of the fray, he or she may become increasingly angry. As parents, we are sometimes the guilty parties when angry children remain that way.
Anger Isn't Always Bad - Anger is a normal emotion which everyone experiences at some time or another although the seemingly calm, cool, and collected person manages to control it or at least mask it. Small children haven't learned that yet. They haven't learned how to control or manage anger, and in fact until they get somewhere past the "terrible two's", they don't think of anger as something either good or bad, but often a means of getting what they want.
At some point, in dealing with angry children, they have to be taught that anger, if not controlled, is often unacceptable behavior, especially when it upsets or hurts others. If one or both of the parents cannot control anger, the child is not likely to be able to do so either.
As hard as it may be at times, when dealing with angry children they need to be treated as grownups, as ridiculous as that may sound, especially when they are very young. Treating them like grownups doesn't mean ignoring their age, but rather showing them respect, and showing them that respect has to be earned. Discipline has its role in all of this as grownups have learned the importance of acting in a disciplined manner, or a least most have. Once angry children see being disciplined in their actions and attitude is a step towards being treated as a grownup, which most of them strive for, an important milestone has been reached.
A Defense Against “Injustice” - It's also helpful to recognize that anger is often a defense mechanism. When we become angry it's often accompanied by a feeling that an injustice has been committed and there is a wrong that has to be set right. If that is something that is not possible to accomplish, frustration may set in and anger may increase. This is a feeling that young children go through when they are not allowed to have what they want, or have what they feel they need, whether they actually need it or not. The feeling of anger usually passes quickly, sometimes in seconds, though at other times a prolonged temper tantrum may be the action of choice. These feelings of anger eventually become less and less as parents remain firm and the child begins to realize he or she does not have a divine right to have everything wished for.
The Importance Of The Role Model - Remaining firm, on the part of the parents, means remaining calm and collected, something not always easy to do. If we, the parents can serve as good role models when it comes to anger management, and show displeasure at times rather than shouting and screaming, children will eventually get the point. If we are able to remain in control, our children will soon begin to see not only the virtue of doing so, be come to realize that continual expressions or feelings of anger can become a liability, and are generally counterproductive.
Children, like their parents, are not always the same as everyone else, the "average" person. Some are just naturally more irritable than others, and some are more easily upset than others. There are even those angry children who may require professional help, no matter how good a job the parents are doing in trying to deal with the situation. What we want to try to avoid however are actions that either drive the child into a defensive or withdrawn state, where anger may fester, or feed that anger by our own actions, eventually driving the child to the point where professional help will be needed, either when the child is still young, or when he or she becomes an adult. Parents aren't necessarily to blame for angry children, yet still often can be a part of the problem.